Let’s suspend reality for a moment (because clearly I already have) and imagine what would happen if each of my dogs was handed a crisp tenner, a free pass from responsibility, and full control of their day.

Spoiler: Chaos. And possibly criminal charges.

🐕 Penny – The White Shadow (aka Bossy Boots)

Penny would immediately spend £6 on a posh doggy cappuccino and a gluten-free pupcake from a café that definitely isn’t dog-friendly — but she’d go in anyway. She has no respect for boundaries. The rest of her tenner would go towards a shiny new collar, preferably pink, preferably sparkly, preferably more expensive than £4. She’d insist I cover the rest.

She wouldn’t walk anywhere — no, she’d Uber.

🌲 Nala – Nature Lover, but With a Vengeance

Nala would blow her tenner on snacks. All of it. Sausages, crisps, something questionably furry she found near a bin. She’d then march herself to the woods and spend the entire day rolling in fox poo and barking at imaginary threats. Zero regrets. Zero survivors. She’s living her best feral life.

🎾 The Cocker Spaniel – Chaotic Neutral in Fluffy Form

He’d spend £2.50 on an ice cream, accidentally drop it, cry a bit, then spend the rest in a local charity shop where he’d buy a single slipper, a deflated football, and a ceramic duck. All to be lovingly destroyed in the garden by teatime.

Bonus chaos: he’d gift you the ceramic duck, but only after hiding it in your bed.

🐶 Riot – Still Deciding Who He Is

Riot would probably follow Penny for the first half of the day, completely enraptured by her confidence and chaos. But halfway through the afternoon he’d panic-spend £10 on enrichment toys, return home early, and fall asleep with one paw in his water bowl. He’s trying, bless him.

🌈 And if Kai Were Still Here…

He’d have given his tenner to a struggling Labrador, sniffed a flower, and had a nap in the shade. Classic gentleman.

So there you have it — £50 well and truly wasted, five dogs richer in spirit (and probably covered in questionable substances).

Now, who’s going to break it to them that money doesn’t buy squirrels?