I don’t know what happens in my brain sometimes, but every so often I decide I deserve a log-built ranch in Montana.
Not a cottage. Not a caravan.
A full ranch.
A Yellowstone-level property that screams, “This woman has her life together,” which is absolutely false.

I started scrolling through ranch listings online, fully aware I don’t even have a pot to piss in.
The dogs watched me like I’d lost the last marble I had left.
Fair.

But still — I found THE ONE.
A sprawling wooden log home, mountains behind it, porch out front, acres and acres of land.
Somewhere Riot could run without traumatising the locals.
Somewhere Nala could judge nature instead of the neighbours.
Somewhere Penny could… exist.
And Louis could finally be king of a domain that isn’t my hallway.

Only one problem:
It costs the GDP of Montenegro.

Never mind reality — because my imagination stepped in with two equally sensible ideas:

🐴 OPTION A — Marry a Rich Cowboy Called Cole

We meet while I’m walking the dogs.
Louis is rolling in something deceased.
Riot is dragging himself into a bush.
Nala is scanning the horizon like she’s auditioning for Search & Rescue.
Poppy and Twinkle are at home plotting my downfall.

Then Cole appears.
Tall. Beard. Plaid shirt. Looks like he was 3D-printed by the Yellowstone costume department.

He says, “Need a hand, ma’am?”
Normally “ma’am” gives me the absolute ick, but suddenly it doesn’t.

One thing leads to another and suddenly I’m on his Montana ranch, coffee on the porch, deer in the distance, Riot chewing a fence post like it personally offended him.

Realistic?
Absolutely not.
Do I want it?
Obviously.

🏦 OPTION B — A Completely Fictional Heist Starring My Pets

Working title: Ocean’s Lia
Tagline: “Never send a human to do a dog’s job.”

The crew:

Riot — the muscle (chaotic, confused muscle)

Nala — security (takes her job too seriously)

Louis — adorable distraction

Poppy — hacker (walks on keyboard, accidentally shuts down entire CCTV grid)

Twinkle — acrobat/vent gremlin

Penny — wildcard (nobody knows what she’ll do, including her)

Me — mastermind in slippers


The plan is simple: sow chaos, confuse security, walk out with £4.7 million and buy the ranch.
All purely fictional.
Obviously.
Calm yourselves.

🌄 Dreaming Is Free

Will I ever own a ranch?
Probably not.
Will a cowboy called Cole ride in on a horse and save me from the British weather?
Unlikely.
Will my animals ever successfully pull off a heist?
Absolutely never — Riot would confess instantly.

But in my head?
We’re already living the dream.

And somehow, Riot still can’t walk on a lead.